Comforting others and ourselves is an important building block to self-worth. Sometimes it feels like what we need most.
- “When you’re weary, feelin’ small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.” [Paul Simon, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”]
- “When you’re down and troubled / And you need a helping hand, / And nothing, nothing is going right, / Close your eyes and think of me / And soon I will be there, / To brighten up even your darkest night.” [James Taylor, “You’ve Got a Friend”]
When we are upset, we may not function well, not to mention that emotional upset is unpleasant, even terrifying. Emotional upset disrupts eating, learning, working, social functioning, and a wide array of essential life functions. (See the Technical and Analytical Readings section below for the technical literature supporting these and the following statements.)
Receiving emotional comfort tells us that others care about us, and thereby reinforces a message that we should feel good about ourselves. A simple physical touch, a bit of listening, and a little companionship can calm and reassure.
Doctors and nurses routinely employ comforting behaviors and strategies with their patients. Non-human animals are well-known sources of comfort, as are music and visual images. The human response to comforting appears to be innate, as comforting behaviors are effective with newborn babies. The mere remembrance of a deceased loved one can provide comfort to the bereaved. Self-comforting strategies are also important.
Comforting and self-comforting are especially important in times of illness, bereavement and long, dark winters. However, comfort-seeking can have deleterious effects, for example, in addictions.
Comforting and self-comforting are impaired by anxiety and depression. Anxiety in a mother interferes with a baby’s ability to self-comfort. In fact, parents’ reactions and responses to children’s expressed emotions have been shown to affect comforting and other behaviors in children.
We have a substantial body of professional and scientific literature on the effects of comforting. However, people were comforting themselves and others long before psychology became a recognized discipline. One person’s sense of what would comfort him enables him to comfort someone else. However, caution is advised: a word or gesture meant to comfort another person may have the opposite effect. Being around someone who is suffering is unpleasant, so we may seek to end our own suffering, insensitive to the suffering of the other. Through understanding, empathy and wisdom – all subjects that we will explore in this book – we can put aside our egos and truly comfort others.
Real
True Narratives
Technical and Analytical Readings
- Stephanie B. Hoffman & Constance A. Platt, Comforting the Confused: Strategies for Managing Dementia (Springer, 2nd edition, 2000).
- Matthew J. Hertenstein and Sandra J. Weiss, eds., The Handbook of Touch: Neuroscience, Behavioral and Health Perspectives (Springer, 2011).
- David Welch, The Therapeutic Relationship: Listening and Responding in a Multicultural World (Praeger, 2009).
- See: Michael H. Thaut and Volker Hoemberg, eds., Handbook of Neurologic Music Therapy (Oxford University Press, 2014).
Photographs
Documentary and Educational Films
Imaginary
Fictional Narratives
Novels:
- Sarah Winman, When God Was a Rabbit: A Novel (Bloomsbury, 2011). “’If this God couldn’t love me,’ she resolves, ‘then it was clear I’d need to find another one that could.’”
- Alex DiFrancesco, Transmutation: Stories (Seven Stories Press, 2021): “At the affective core of ‘Transmutation’ is the question of how we can offer shelter for one another’s pain, real and imagined.”
Open these links for lists of children’s books meant to comfort children.
From the dark side:
In Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, a member of the family and household has been transformed into a giant insect. While he lived, family members stated openly that they wished he would go away. When he dies, the family is relieved, for themselves.
"Dead?" said Mrs. Samsa, looking questioningly at the cleaning woman, although she could have investigated for herself, indeed the fact was obvious enough without investigation. "I should say so," said the cleaning woman, and to prove it she pushed Gregor's corpse a long way to one side with her broomstick; Mrs. Samsa made a movement as if to stop her, but checked herself. "Well," said Mr. Samsa, "now thanks be to God." He crossed himself, and the three women followed his example. [Kafka, The Metamorphosis (1915), Part III.]
Poetry
I would in that sweet bosom be
(O sweet it is and fair it is!)
Where no rude wind might visit me.
Because of sad austerities
I would in that sweet bosom be.
I would be ever in that heart
(O soft I knock and soft entreat her!)
Where only peace might be my part.
Austerities were all the sweeter
So I were ever in that heart.
[James Joyce, “I Would in That Sweet Bosom Be”]
Other poems:
- William Wordsworth, “To a Redbreast (In Sickness)”
Music: Composers, artists, and major works
Mississippi John Hurt was an exponent of comfort blues. “No blues singer ever presented a more gentle, genial image than Mississippi John Hurt. A guitarist with an extraordinarily lyrical and refined fingerpicking style, he also sang with a warmth unique in the field of blues . . .” “. . . his wisdom, spirituality, and humor were a revelation.” His output includes:
- On radio with Skip Janes in 1964;
- Live, August 29, 1964;
- Said to be a live concert, date unspecified; and
- extensive playlists.
Eric Bibb’s blues are similar in overtones to Hurt’s. “Eric Bibb is an American roots music singer, songwriter, and guitarist whose sound exists at the crossroads of Delta blues, American folk, pre-war gospel, and retro-soul.” Here is a link to his releases.
Djelimady Tounkara, with his playlists: “Known for his exclusive acoustic guitar tunings, Tounkara offers continued to impact the music of his homeland.”
Compositions evoking emotional comforting:
- Ludwig van Beethoven, Piano Sonata No. 28 in A major, Op. 101 (1816) (approx. 19-22’): Beethoven dedicated this sonata to a woman who had recently lost her last child. “. . . he invited her to visit him, and when she came he sat himself down at the pianoforte and said simply: 'We will now talk to each other in tones.' and for over an hour played without stopping. She remarked: 'He told me everything, and at last brought me comfort.'”
- Samuel Barber, Violin Concerto, Op. 14, H. 94 (1939) (approx. 23’): “This is music filled with autumnal nostalgia - something similar to the distinct atmosphere of late Brahms.”
- Erich Korngold, Violin Concerto, in D Major, Op. 35 (1945) (approx. 22-25’), is “a concerto that sings and sparkles, and whose soaring themes evoke both a lost Europe and blue Pacific vistas.”
- Théodore Gouvy, 20 Sérénades for piano (1855)
- Gabriel Fauré, Violin Sonata No. 2 in E Minor, Op. 108 (1917) (approx. 22-25’): In declining health and distraught by World War I, Fauré may have sought refuge in the unadorned lines of this sonata.
- Ignatz Waghalter, String Quartet in D major, Op. 3 (ca. 1900) (approx. 27’)
- Raga Brindabani Sarang (Brindivani Sarang – Sarang) is a Hindustani classical raag for early afternoon performance. Traditionally associated with flute-playing cowherders in Brindaban, this raga is also illustrated by a painting of Vishnu with his conch. Performances are by Hariprasad Chaurasia, Bhimsen Joshi, Shruti Sadolikar, and Bismillah Khan.
Albums:
- Simon & Garfunkel, “Bridge Over Troubled Water” (1970) (37’) is “a quietly reassuring album; at other times, it was personal yet soothing; and at other times, it was just plain fun.”
- Matt Wilson Quartet, “Hug!” (2020) (46’): “If you need music to life your spirits in gloomy times, Matt Wilson is a sure bet.” “. . . each musician brings a shared musical language to their work on Hug!, an eclectic album that casually evokes the joyously outré work of artists like Ornette Coleman, Lester Bowie, and Sun Ra.”
- Myriam Gendron, “Mayday” (2024) (43’): “In a sense, Mayday is about the foundational elements we work with whenever we must rebuild our ruined selves. Its songs are weary and uncompromising, often delving into what we choose to keep and jettison after it's been transmitted to us by our family lines or by partnerships that fail.”
Music: songs and other short pieces
- Simon & Garfunkel, “Bridge Over Troubled Water” (lyrics)
- Peter, Paul and Mary, “Day Is Done” (lyrics)
- Judy Collins “Pack Up Your Sorrows” (lyrics)
- Janis Ian, Phoebe Snow and Odetta, “Hymn” (lyrics)
- Sara Gazarek, “And So It Goes” (lyrics)
- Ledger, “My Arms” (lyrics)
- Franz Schubert (composer), “Trost in Tränen” (Comfort in Tears), D. 120 (1814) (lyrics)
- Franz Schubert (composer), “Die Herbstnacht/Die Wehmut” (Autumn Night), D. 404 (1816) (lyrics)
- Franz Schubert (composer), “Trost” (Comfort), D. 523 (1817) (lyrics)
- Franz Schubert (composer), “Trost im Liede” (Comfort in Song), D. 546 (1817) (lyrics)
- Franz Schubert (composer), “Das Weinen” (Weeping), D. 926 (1827) (lyrics)
Visual Arts
- Diego Rivera, The Embrace (1923)
