With a concept of justice in hand, we step back to consider suffering, the bane of our existence as living beings. We have identified our aim, to seek, promote and realize the well-being of living beings. Yet suffering persists, and characterizes much of the human condition. Our understanding of it is an important weapon in our struggle against it. As…
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Value for Thursday of Week 38 in the season of Fulfillment
Intimacy
Intimacy reaches deep within, and simultaneously outward to another. It is transcendent in its depth.
- Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give. [Bertrand Russell]
- For me, it’s the ultimate to be able to nurture and nourish someone. They trust you. It’s a basic form of intimacy in a community. [Lidia Bastianich]
- Fear is the great enemy of intimacy. Fear makes us run away from each other or cling to each other but does not create true intimacy. [Henri Nouwen]
If we are fortunate, we have one or a few sustaining relationships that are emotionally intimate. Intimacy implies a deep-reaching trust, confidence and reliance that express key elements of Faith. Passion nurtures it and regard for the loved one(s) guides it. “The word intimacy is derived from the Latin word ‘intimus,’ which means ‘inner’ or ‘innermost.’” Several factors from earlier life predict a person’s proclivity for intimacy.
“Intimacy is a feeling of closeness and connection in an interpersonal relationship. It is an essential part of intimate relationships, but it also plays an important role in other relationships with friends, family members, and other acquaintances.” It “. . . instills trust, understanding, acceptance, and makes you feel more connected to each other. From affection, love, romance, sex to spirituality, emotional intimacy comprises every feeling that is pivotal for keeping your marriage or relationship strong.” Intimacy is risky: it makes us vulnerable to being hurt.
“Research evidence tells us that the presence of intimacy in our lives — feeling understood, accepted and cared for — strongly influences our overall physical and emotional well-being. Intimacy builds from many sources, including the quality of a partner’s responsiveness during conversation, the presence of empathy, acts of kindness and generosity, plus — and this is often overlooked — the ongoing experience of physical touch.” Intimacy is important for older couples, as well as younger ones.
Real
True Narratives
Book narratives:
- Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, Or How Love Conquered Marriage (Viking Adult, 2005).
From the dark side:
- Rachel Louise Snyder, No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us (Bloomsbury Publishing, 2019): “In America alone, more than half of all murdered women are killed by a current or former partner. Domestic violence cuts across lines of class, race and religion.”
Technical and Analytical Readings
- Debra J. Mashek and Arthur Aron, eds., Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy (Psychology Press, 2004).
- Kim Bartholomew, "Avoidance of intimacy: an attachment perspective", Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, May 1990 vol. 7 no. 2 147-178.
- Elizabeth A. Povinelli, ed., The Empire of Love: Toward a Theory of Intimacy, Genealogy, and Carnality (Duke University Press, 2006).
Photographs
Documentary and Educational Films
Imaginary
Fictional Narratives
Novels:
- Jane Smiley, The All-True Travels and Adventures of Lidie Newton: A Novel (Random House, 1998): “Lidie is a splendid creation: a forthright, intelligent woman who recognizes, long before she can articulate it, the kinship of women relegated to submissive housewifery with people who are literally bought and sold—and who acts to change things.”
- Hisham Matar, Anatomy of a Disappearance: A Novel (The Dial Press, 2011). "Where Matar's first book was largely about the narrator's intense bond with his mother, the second novel is all about the son's struggle for intimacy with his distant father."
- Henri-Pierre Roché, Jules et Jim (1953): “Jules and Jim are best friends – perhaps soulmates – who together pursue a charmed life of bohemian indulgence in turn-of-the-century Paris. Drifting from liaison to liaison they share their women as easily as wine, without jealousy or regret . . .”
- Sally Rooney, Normal People: A Novel (Hogarth, 2019): “In chapters that alternate between two perspectives, she dramatizes, with excruciating emotional insight, the intertwined lives of Connell and Marianne, beginning with their final year of high school in the West Ireland town of Carricklea, and ending with their final year at Trinity College, Dublin.”
- Alejandra Zambra, Chilean Poet: A Novel (Viking, 2022): “At the novel’s heart is the relationship between Gonzalo, an aspiring poet, and his stepson, Vicente, who grows up to become — you guessed it — an aspiring poet. Zambra uses their bond, forged through care rather than blood, to think through literary (and literal) inheritance.”
- Lina Wolff, Carnality: A Novel (Other Press, 2022): “Lina Wolff’s new novel is about strangers who meet in Madrid and become entwined as deeply as two people can: sexually, spiritually, criminally.”
- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name: A Novel (Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 2007): “. . . Elio and Oliver might give each other up, but the book that conjures them doesn’t give up either one. In fact, it brings them back together, reunites them, for a glorious endless summer.”
- Marguerite Dumas, The Lover: A Novel (1984).
Poetry
When you came, you were like red wine and honey.
And the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness.
Now you are like morning bread,
Smooth and pleasant.
I hardly taste you at all for I know your savour,
But I am completely nourished.
[Amy Lowell, “A Decade”]
Other poems:
- Stanley Kunitz, “Touch Me”
- Edgar Lee Masters, “William and Emily”
Books of poetry:
- Florence Gander, Be With (New Directions, 2018) is “a book that probes, among other things, the sudden death of Gander’s wife, the celebrated poet C. D. Wright — explores a related question: How do we know where we ourselves begin or end? In many ways, the book’s focus is strikingly inward, showing how grief sounds in the body, mapping paths, making previously hidden regions visible.”
Music: Composers, artists, and major works
Alexander Borodin, String Quartet No. 2 in D major (1881) (approx. 26-30’) (list of recorded performances): this masterwork of Russian romanticism paints a musical picture of an evening between two people who are romantically involved and deeply in love. “The cello was Borodin’s instrument, and it is clearly his 'voice' in this radiantly lyrical work.” “. . . the whole work is almost like a love letter. The prominent cello and first violin parts may represent Borodin and his wife.” Appropriately, “Borodin dedicated the work to his wife on their twenty-fifth anniversary.” Top recorded performances are by Hollywood String Quartet in 1952, Borodin Quartet in 1962, Borodin Quartet in 1980, Talich Quartet in 1986 ***, Shostakovich Quartet in 1993, Quatuor Alcan in 1993, The Lindsays in 2002, and Borodin Quartet in 2005.
- Allegro – moderato: the opening movement evokes images, perhaps from mid-afternoon, of preparations for the evening.
- Scherzo: Allegro: here the preparation and excitement build, as evidenced by the quicker tempi and rushes of notes. Perhaps they have gone out for the evening.
- Nocturne: Andante: our couple has returned home, and we hear one of the most romantic movements in music. As the movement winds toward its conclusion, the couple winds down toward sleep.
- Finale: Andante - Vivace: reinvigorated, the couple sound hints – and only that – of discord. Perhaps it was an unkind remark from one of their other companions earlier in the evening. No matter, the incident is quickly forgotten as the lovers return home and climb into bed.
Obviously, trombonist Natalie Cressman and guitarist Ian Faquini enjoy a close personal affinity. This unusual pairing of instruments, in these hands, evokes intimacy:
- “Auburn Whisper” album (2022) (50’)
- “Setting Rays of Summer” album (2019) (38’)
Dora Pejačević’s chamber works express the playfulness of intimacy:
- Piano Trio in C Major, op. 29 (1910) (approx. 35’)
- Cello Sonata in E minor, Op. 35 (1913) (approx. 28’)
- Piano Quintet in B minor, Op. 40 (1918) (approx. 35’)
Other works:
- Charles Koechlin, Sonata for two flutes, Op. 75 (1920) (approx. 9-10’)
- A tight, loving interplay between the soloist and the orchestra characterizes John Ireland’s Piano Concerto in E-flat Major (1930) (approx. 24’) (list of recorded performances).
- Along the same lines as Borodin’s second string quartet, though less overtly romantic, is Robert Schumann’s String Quartet No. 3 in A Major, Op. 41, No. 3 (1842) (approx. 31-32’).
- Arnold Bax, String Quartet No. 1 in G Major (1918) (approx. 24’)
- W.F. Bach, 6 Flute duets, F 54-59 (1740-1745) (approx. 61-70’): two voices, intertwined
- Robert Baksa, Celestials (1995) (approx. 14’)
- John Casken, That Subtle Knot (2013) (approx. 27’): written for a married couple, violinist Thomas Zehetmair and violist Ruth Killius, the work captures the daily struggles of an intimate relationship, as well as its joys.
Albums:
- Harold Danko, “After the Rain” (1993) (69’): these images on solo piano are drawn from John Coltrane; I hear the soul after emotionally intimate love-making.
- Alan Skidmore, “After the Rain” (1998) (61’): similar to Danko’s album, diminished only by too-syrupy strings.
- Jane Ira Bloom, “The Nearness” (1996)
- Keith Oxman, “Two Cigarettes in the Dark” (2020) (55’)
- Marc Johnson & Eliane Elias, “Swept Away” (2012) (68’)
- Christoph Croisé & Oxana Shevchenko, “Joachim Raff: Complete Works for Cello and Piano” (2022) (72’): Raff’s “works for cello and piano date from between the 1850s and 1870s and combine a lyrical ease with amenable harmonic turns of phrase . . .”
- David Orlowsky & David Bergmüller, “Alter Ego” (2022) (46’): clarinet and lute, to hypnotic effect
- Kate Baker & Vic Juris, “Return to Shore” (2022) (55’): this “intimate recording” by a wife-husband singer-guitarist duo was Juris’ last. He died of cancer in 2019. “This is a recording with love and mutual respect ringing clear as a bell, infused with many deep musical and life qualities.”
- Josefine Opsahl & Trine Opsahl, “The Infinite between Us” (2021) (63’): “The music . . . is peaceful and harmonious and is inspired by the Nordic-Celtic folk genre, which is ideally suited for therapeutic work and relaxation.”
- Franco Ambrosetti, “Sweet Caress” (2024) (51’): “There is something special about the blending of string orchestra and jazz soloist . . .” “ This is a spell-casting reverie recalling special times and special loves.”
- Vidhya Gopal, “Mehfil” (2025) (46’): “Recorded in front of a live audience . . . the album captures the raw intimacy and spontaneity of a true mehfil, offering listeners a deeply immersive musical experience. . . ‘I hope listeners feel like they’ve been invited into a living room of song, story, and shared emotion,’ says Vidhya Gopal.”
On these albums, the intimacy is in the performance – the sound of intimacy:
- Renoud van Mechelen, “Oh, ma belle brunette” (2022) (71’)
- Kate Lindsey, “Arianna” (2020) (72’): “Lindsey sings here with delicious intimacy, at times as if she were whispering into our ears.”
- Andrea Keller, “Flicker & Polar Bird” (2023) (68’): “The music celebrates the connections Andrea made as the ANU H.C. Coombs Creative Arts Fellow in 2022, which enabled her to work with a host of wonderful musicians, deepening existing collaborations, and creating new ones.”
- Naïssam Jalal, “Souffles” (2025) (36’) is “an album of duo collaborations that pairs Jalal with eight virtuosos of the saxophone, trombone and clarinet.”
Music: songs and other short pieces
- The Righteous Brothers, “Unchained Melody” (lyrics)
- Norah Jones, “Come Away with Me” (lyrics)
- Ed Sheeran, “Perfect” (lyrics)
Visual Arts
- Pablo Picasso, Portrait of Olga in an Armchair (1917)
- William Blake, Angel of the Divine Presence (ca. 1803)
Film and Stage
- Jules and Jim is a story of intimacy denied, as a duo of longtime friends morphs into a romantic triangle. One of the men prevails but it turns out that no one can hold the indomitable Catherine.
- Entre Nous(Between Us), a film about the need for intimacy
- When Harry Met Sally: a comic look at sexuality and intimacy, including one of the great comic-sex bits in film
- Silent Souls: two male friends, separated by many years in age, find a kind of emotional intimacy when the younger man’s wife dies and chooses the older man to assist him in a tribal ritual
- Before Sunset, the sequel to “Before Sunrise” (which could also have been listed under intimacy): the film explores the confluence of sexual attraction, emotional intimacy and “how rare it is to meet someone you feel an instinctive connection with”
